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Andrew Auernheimer
Oðinnsson. Market abuser. Internationally notorious computer criminal.
Trolling the TSA in a way that makes our Heavenly Father smile
I've got great friends that relay me wonderful stories of their belligerent assertion of their rights in various stages of the transportation process. I admire their fortitude at being held in rooms for hours on end. They present very real testimony to me that something very wrong is happening in this nation that we should all be fighting very hard to reverse. Rather than get detained in belligerence, however, I find it much more satisfying to undermine the morale of the footsoldiers of tyranny. The best way to do this is the way that Christ taught: with love and truth.

I just walked through security at SFO. As usual, I opted out of the cancer-causing DNA-unraveling body scanners. It was exceptionally busy, and the made the usual spectacle of yelling "opt-out" and asking me if I was really sure that I didn't want to risk cancer for their convienence.

Guy in gloves walks up to me, and I began my pitch. I think it was most impactful this time because I just got ordained and was inspired by the power of the holy spirit (as well as in my Sunday best).

"I want you to know, I'm a Mormon, and I am obligated to treat you with love and respect."
"Well, thanks for that. Hold out your arms."
I hold out my arms and let him get to work. "As I must treat you like my brother I want to let you know that I opted out just to tell you something-- I need you to go home and Google 3 words."
"Oh yeah? What are those?" He moves to my torso.
"Boston TSA cancer."
"There's a statistically impossible cluster of cancer cases in TSA employees at the Boston airport. It won't be the first either. If you Google those words, you'll even find the TSA official response where the TSA is claiming that the cause isn't the body scanners. If it isn't the scanners, it must be something else, but they aren't letting the Boston TSA employees know. You work for a government agency that is letting its employees get cancer and won't tell them why."
"Are you serious?" His voice is waivering. He's forgotten to give directions. I widen my stance so he can grope at my legs.
"Dead serious. You see, I am opting out mostly so I can tell you this. I'm an engineer, and I do radiation safety as part of my profession. I could maybe even go through that scanner safely once or twice a year. If you could see in a different spectrum, this room would light up so bright you'd be blinded every time those machines go off. You get exposed thousands of times a day.You are not safe."
"Its no more radiation than you get in a single plane flight...." He mutters the mantra of safety that his handlers have taught him as he puts my swab in his explosives detection machine.
"Radiation isn't just how much, it is how fast. You know what would happen if you took a few days ambient radiation and exposed me to it in a fraction of a second? I'd be vaporized, that is what."
He is pale now.
"When you go home. Google 'Boston TSA cancer' and talk it over with your wife, your kids. I'm a priest at $WARD of $CHURCH if you'd like to discuss it with me more when I get back in a couple weeks. No job is worth a very real risk to your health. I've had good friends get cancer."
The explosives detection machine beeps. "You're good to go. Grab your stuff."
"Remember, Boston TSA cancer."
"Boston TSA cancer," he repeats it back to me. I see him pull out his iPhone as I walk away.

That, my friends, is an elevator pitch for liberty.
19 comments / leave comment
labrynthos From: labrynthos Date: June 3rd, 2012 10:32 pm (UTC) (link)
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 3rd, 2012 10:33 pm (UTC) (link)
Basically all your doing in ensuring that the somewhat smart TSA agents, the ones that actually know how to Google, will quit. Only to be replaced by even stupider (if thats even possible) TSA agents. Thanks.
weev From: weev Date: June 3rd, 2012 10:37 pm (UTC) (link)
If you search Twitter for "weev" you'll find a thousand people using it to describe hair extensions or using it as a contraction.

A few pages of scroll and you'll figure out that even slobbering retards now know how to use the Internet.

Edited at 2012-06-04 06:05 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous) Date: July 22nd, 2012 10:35 pm (UTC) (link)
the only way they could be less self-aware and aware of their surroundings is if their jerrycurl was on fire. blasphemy!
octal From: octal Date: June 4th, 2012 01:19 am (UTC) (link)
Well, the "somewhat smart ones" who can just google might leave, but the actually smart ones who actually understand radiation safety won't. But I doubt TSA had many of either doing front line screening. (plus, at SFO, they're contractors, not TSA agents).
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 4th, 2012 03:15 am (UTC) (link)
we had guests come from germany to canada, then we took a trip to the USA. we're originally from romania, and the joke was that the romanians were the ones stuck by the berlin wall, but we got pulled over, those germans got taken into an interrogation room to be searched, quite roughly (though not beaten). They've swore never to go back, and german is elderly having worked at mercedes for a long time. too bad his kids didn't come to visit, his daughter my age looked kinda cute ..
aestetix From: aestetix Date: June 4th, 2012 04:39 am (UTC) (link)
I logged into LJ for the first time in ages just to tell you that this is fucking awesome.
tupelo From: tupelo Date: June 4th, 2012 02:43 pm (UTC) (link)
Tad: "Weev is a good, good, dear man."
weev From: weev Date: June 11th, 2012 02:36 pm (UTC) (link)
its a small world after all.

at dinner last night this girl kate said I need to check out anne soffee. i am like, wait, i know that name. kate says "she wrote snake hips" and you and tad helped her move once. serious omgz followed.

tupelo From: tupelo Date: June 11th, 2012 04:59 pm (UTC) (link)
We are omnipresent! And apparently so are you.
wasdely From: wasdely Date: June 4th, 2012 11:37 pm (UTC) (link)
zahdi From: zahdi Date: June 5th, 2012 02:21 am (UTC) (link)
Haven't been on LJ in a long time, but there's a weev post here. YAY!


weev From: weev Date: June 7th, 2012 04:48 pm (UTC) (link)
hellol. whats your phone number? lets chattiez
zahdi From: zahdi Date: June 8th, 2012 04:55 am (UTC) (link)
Hell yeah :) send me a message at zahdi.afr at gmail

zahdi From: zahdi Date: June 10th, 2012 10:50 am (UTC) (link)
It may be illogical, but there is no universe in which I'll post my phone number on livejournal. Freaking Russians o_o
From: (Anonymous) Date: July 22nd, 2012 10:36 pm (UTC) (link)
i'd be more worried about the americans
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 20th, 2012 02:04 am (UTC) (link)
I always get the patdown when I go through a damn checkpoint but I make sure to tell the people about the radiation danger and use my engineering degree to back it up.
Negi Springfield From: Negi Springfield Date: July 15th, 2012 09:41 pm (UTC) (link)
This is a good way to do it.

I only find the Mormon bit as something I would not identify as since I know too much about those pesky Mormons.
From: (Anonymous) Date: August 25th, 2012 05:27 am (UTC) (link)
as a former mormon, they're good people, but only for self-righteous reasons. also see Mountain Meadows massacre (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mountain_Meadows_massacre)
19 comments / leave comment