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Andrew Auernheimer
Oðinnsson. Market abuser. Internationally notorious computer criminal.
What Christianity means to me
I was recently having an ethics debate where someone said that Christianity was "just what the greeks taught, but dumbed down". I heartily disagreed, and I wanted to put my reasons to text while I still remembered them.

Christianity is the ethics of the great Greek classics, for sure. It owes almost all its ethical lineage to those boys in limbo. There's something deeper than that. Jesus isn't just about ethics. He's about passion, love, and most of all, he's about being a time-traveling gangster.

I grew up poor. I know what it is like to go without food, or wear the same pair of shoes until they smell and have holes in them. When you're poor, you make poor friends. Let's say you and I grew up in the same trailer park. Our buddies had this friend named Chris. Chris always hung out with the shadiest people. He knew every hooker, hustler and scammer in the tri-state area. Despite that, Chris was the most loving, most real human being we'd ever met. He'd sometimes feed us 10 strips of acid and take us out to the woods to set off some explosives. He'd have our backs when the rich kids tried to beat us up. When we were hungry, he would give us food.

Most importantly, Chris gave us a sense of justice. "Man, those fuckin' Jews with their media and their Federal Reserve-- they have all the money and what do they do with it? Run this country into the ground. Try to program every man to be a slave to behaviorism and every daughter that isn't theirs to be a whore. Things ain't right."

Chris would also give us hope. "This fuckin shithole-- this fuckin' park. You're better than that. You're a good German kid. There's kings in your lineage. You deserve better. Fuck anyone who says otherwise. Your parents are assholes, your teachers are assholes, and you know what? You're an asshole too. But you deserve better. All of you." Chris made us think there was something important in our lives beyond the shitty trailer and the shitty family and the mac and cheese six nights a week.

One day, Chris takes too much acid. Freaks out. Starts going into banks, knocking shit over. "You fucking morons! You're agents of the subjugation and slavery of your neighbors! Don't you fuckin' see! Wake the fuck up, stop fucking ruining lives!" He breaks into the vault, burns all the money. Not interested in a cent of it.

Chris goes to prison. After he's gone, we all realize what a difference he made in our lives. Without Chris, the walls of our trailers seem really small. We spend our days somber and sad. Then one day, someone says, "let's throw a party". We all eat a little acid, and tell stories about Chris. We'd laugh, we'd remember when our lives were more complete. And through repeating his words about justice, truth, love and hope, we found these in ourselves.

And we'd wait. We'd count the days. Until Chris got out of jail.

And that, my friends, is the basis of all Christianity.
22 comments / leave comment
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 7th, 2008 08:31 am (UTC) (link)

I dont think Jesus would stone himself....

But this beautifully illustrates the power of his words. Yeah, call it bias and memetics, but I hold Jesus' word to have a sacred power to change the souls of those he takes under his wing.
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 7th, 2008 09:28 am (UTC) (link)
When will your book be finished?
weev From: weev Date: November 7th, 2008 09:30 am (UTC) (link)
no idea. can't rush these things. sorry. it really could be next month. it also really could be months or a year from now.
theniceprice From: theniceprice Date: November 7th, 2008 10:09 am (UTC) (link)
is this dead on? it's close enough
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 7th, 2008 10:19 am (UTC) (link)
'Cept that it's not your run of the mill jail. Chris got himself into Guantanimo. So much for getting out.
weev From: weev Date: November 8th, 2008 12:56 am (UTC) (link)
Chris gets out of jail on December 21, 2012
blue_star_cadet From: blue_star_cadet Date: November 8th, 2008 04:35 am (UTC) (link)
Is his name actually Chris?
blue_star_cadet From: blue_star_cadet Date: November 8th, 2008 04:38 am (UTC) (link)
oh wait, i get this (the date too)
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 8th, 2008 10:26 am (UTC) (link)


why on December 2012? That's not really an iconic date... the calendar thing is just a recalibration error or some shit. Or maybe I'm just being hopeful.
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 7th, 2008 10:25 am (UTC) (link)
it seems you are making a confusion between Christianity and the teachings of Christ

sdf From: sdf Date: November 7th, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC) (link)
<3 u
weev From: weev Date: November 8th, 2008 12:55 am (UTC) (link)
I love you too. 4realz.

Crow was missing her old flock. You should message her and say hi.
sdf From: sdf Date: November 8th, 2008 04:09 am (UTC) (link)
Will do. I miss everyone, too :( I was so sad when I noticed that crow now belongs to some kind of Australian person.
weev From: weev Date: November 8th, 2008 06:17 am (UTC) (link)
We should start #emokids back up somewhere.
sdf From: sdf Date: November 9th, 2008 12:56 am (UTC) (link)
yessss. We would need to get aml in on it. Shit, we should do it in real life. Let's all live in SF together and pretend it's 1996--dumpster Cisco buildings, wardial 800s from payphones using acoustic couplers, have warehouse parties every weekend, etc. I'm serious, that would be fucking incredible.
weev From: weev Date: November 9th, 2008 01:19 am (UTC) (link)
ive actually been trying to wardial large swaths of the US through voip. the wardialin' scene is back. steal some SIP or IAX2 axs, and then wardial the planet with it. its pretty chill. you find fuckin' rad shit doin it.

there's already a warehouse in oakland we throw parties out of. once i beat some black people into a bloody pulp inside it.
girlsgirlsgirls From: girlsgirlsgirls Date: November 7th, 2008 07:54 pm (UTC) (link)
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 8th, 2008 04:40 am (UTC) (link)

just checking if i got your view right...

Christianity is about getting high on acid and making a martyr?

reminds me of a song...

I'll tell them I found Jesus, that should throw them off.
He goes by the name Jésus and steals hubcaps from cars.
Oh Jésus can I borrow your crow-bar?
To pry these God-damned nails out they're beginning to hurt.
Crucified and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
weev From: weev Date: November 8th, 2008 05:49 am (UTC) (link)

Re: just checking if i got your view right...

i think you're missing the point =[
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 8th, 2008 06:55 am (UTC) (link)

Re: just checking if i got your view right...

Jesting aside, is the point *actually* even in there? The complement being hints toward it requiring unreasonable inferences on the reader's part.
shinzakura From: shinzakura Date: November 8th, 2008 03:48 pm (UTC) (link)
I followed a link here posted by a friend. Great work. Mind if I copy this to my LJ and share with others?
weev From: weev Date: November 8th, 2008 08:15 pm (UTC) (link)
proselytism is entirely encouraged.
22 comments / leave comment