Andrew Auernheimer (weev) wrote,

An era of revolutionary comedy

There is a concerted effort amongst others to get me to take myself more seriously than I should. Always these people are well-meaning friends who say that they want me and my ideas to be taken seriously. Others say they want to introduce me to big money that will be more receptive to me, if only certain aspects of my character and personality can be quelled and reconciled. These people do not understand what it is I am trying to accomplish, and I sometimes even wonder if I could ever truly communicate it to them.

I make art. This is beyond some people to understand that I see federal courts, financial markets, world media, and the very act of human perception itself as the canvas of my medium. No matter what tools I have around me, I will make everything I despise look ridiculous. This is my consistent and lasting personal power. Everything that works against me looks absolutely fucking crazy and ridiculous by the time I am done with it. For example, there is a 13-year federal conspiracy dedicated to following me around and attempting to unravel my stunts before I perform them because I got too good at talking shit on the Internet. My government is hemorrhaging tax dollars because I am way too fucking funny on the Internet. And it isn't just mine! There are a few foreign ones that have become interested. This may sound ridiculous, but it is true. Continued participation in this is my way of parodying how fucking sniveling and weak the West has become that they are afraid of what a broke kid from Arkansas has to say on the Internet.

So, these well-meaning friends of mine, they want me to be taken seriously. They want me to cease saying things that upset their rich friends of theirs. I shouldn't make jokes about the Oklahoma City bombing. I should work to be more palatable to the powers that be.

Flashback to 2010. I am getting my door kicked in. I have spent days watching two things: Facebook and Twitter updates. Are you familiar with Goatse? It is a photograph of a nude man holding open his anus wide enough to stick a football inside it. You see, I had named my security consulting firm "Goatse Security", and the motto of course was "gaping holes exposed". I had released information related to the nascent iPad 3G under this banner. The last things I saw before I was swarmed with federal agents were people sobbing about having viewed goatse for the first time because they were tricked into Googling it by CNN.

This is what made me notable. I showed a significant swath of the world what it looks like inside a dude's asshole and spent the next days laughing hysterically about it on IRC until a SWAT team stormed my home. Now the world wants me to be taken seriously.

I am not notable because I was meant to be taken seriously. I am notable because this my life is a comedy show that is run on a scale that hasn't been fathomed since Shakespeare's As You Like It. I am relentless about producing this comedy show. This comedy show is so well produced that it makes Fortune 500 executives and whole swaths of the judiciary reel in shame and seethe in rage. People that want me to be taken universally seriously and stop joking around would have me robbed of my essential power. What I do is powerful because it delights some and repulses others. Stop trying to integrate me into something palatable to everyman. It isn't going to happen. They will choke trying to digest me.

Let's be absolutely clear: a revolution is here. Trolling is the Boston Tea Party of our time. We are making a point of being not only comedically offensive but politically subversive. At the core of it all, we have a profit motive of taking back what the crown has stolen from us. I invoiced the government and I intend to collect on every single satoshi, one way or another. By the time I'm done doing so they're going to be really sorry that they hadn't paid out in the first place. I and everyone on my team will be making a concerted effort to continue to be true to these sentiments in the future. I had a gun pointed in my face for these values, and I am morally obligated to embrace them even more heartily than ever before.

I had people at the Movement Electronic Music Festival walk up to me this weekend and tell me how much they laughed at my open invoice to my federal prosecutors. The techno community is full of anti-government sentiment. They laughed even harder when I said I actually intend to build a low budget monument to Timothy McVeigh somewhere in the vicinity of Oklahoma City. Because, seriously, I do. There needs to be one.

Why do we find this shit funny, you ask? Because when enemies of liberty find themselves brought to justice, you can rest assured we will be laughing. This revolution ends in the way all revolutions do.

In the meantime, we've got a whole fucking Internet to cover with dongs and swastikas, and we've got a whole world to fill with monuments to martyrs that the government dares call "terrorists". Let the ruin begin.
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